


Still, I Love Him

by Blueberrysugar



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Failed Relationship, First Kiss, First Time, Getting Together, Immaturity, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex, Pining, Rejection, Sloppy Makeouts, angst maybe, i wasnt ready but i am now trope, other relationship mentions pre story, post college AU, tsukishima's golden orbs, yamaguchi saying sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-02-05 22:49:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12804054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberrysugar/pseuds/Blueberrysugar
Summary: Yamaguchi has pined away for over a decade. His friendship with Tsukishima has always been in a gray area, and he struggles to find a comfortable rhythm to it after college. Tsukishima is unfortunately sending mixed signals once again, and Yamaguchi has to keep up to make sense of where they're headed.





	1. Our New Place

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be porn. Instead it turned into this.

There’s nothing but apathy in Tsukishima’s eyes as they stare at the TV set that they’re both considering buying for their apartment. 

“It’s kinda..too big?” Tsukishima tilts his head, his glasses slipping down his nose as Yamaguchi kneels next to it, looking at the price tag, and snickering as he looks back up at Tsukishima.

“That’s something no one ever says.” Yamaguchi shook his head though, the price being just a little out of reach for them, “It’s too bad, I really wanted a television in our new place.” His voice is a little too wistful, and Kei glances at the price as if by glaring at it, it might magically go down in cost.

College had just ended for them, and having been kicked out of the dorms they’d resided in for several years meant that Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were formally moving into their first grown up apartment. An apartment meant shopping, and new furniture, and Yamaguchi pretending that they were dating and shopping for their first place together.

But that’s not the case, and Yamaguchi has to remind himself not to act too familiar with Tsukishima since his advances were always rebuffed. Always, unless it was with the help of alcohol, or the high of some particularly good news. Neither of which means anything since Kei always avoids the little flirtations that yamaguchi offers.

“Maybe we don’t need a TV,” Kei finalizes, looking away from the giant screen, “we can just use my laptop to watch things.” He looks at the list that they had carefully drafted, pointing at the second item on the list ,” alright, now the coffee machine is something that is imperative.”

Yamaguchi takes a second to admire the way Kei slides his finger over the television before following him down the cooking aisle. He’s never wanted to be an inanimate object as much as in that moment.

______

“Yeah, Hinata, It’s a one bedroom…. Uhuh.. no.. Not really.. NO.” He glances at Tsukishima who is too busy admiring their new appliances and scurries off to the bathroom where he has privacy, as Hinata continues to barrage him with more questions.

“Wait so you guys aren’t official?” Hinata doesn’t believe him, and he can understand why. “Even after all the.. _getting it on?..”_

“Not really? No. You know we went on like one date and .. it didn’t work.”

Yamaguchi anxiously lowered his voice, the bitterness of the incident still causing his throat to close up even though it had happened their first year of college. Things had been awkward, and tense, and he had lost track of how many people they’d had to both date before their relationship had returned to normal.

Still the hurt was there, especially since each time he’d dated anyone, it had always been Kei he’d wanted to kiss. It was a stupid, childish crush, and Yamaguchi had been unable to let it go although many people had already told him to.  
_Tsukishima is nothing special.  
Anyone would be lucky to be his girlfriend._

But nobody seemed to understand that he felt an inexplicable pull towards the blonde. Infatuation. A tiny little voice that sounded suspiciously like Kei’s mocked him in the back of his head.

“But don’t you two mess around.. Sometimes..”

Hinata had to remember the worst details, but it was always him that Yamaguchi called when he was feeling his worst. 

“Yeah. Yeah. But that doesn’t mean anything. It’s just.. Making out and.. Stuff.” He’s embarrassed to admit it, and even more to feel the heat creeping down his freckled skin all over is neck. It’d be an understatement to say that he hadn’t wished that Kei would do more than give him some drunken handjobs every few weeks.

“Gross. Spare me the details.” Hinata continues talking, but Yamaguchi pulls the phone away from his ear as there’s a sharp knock on the door.

“Yamaguchi are you almost done? I’m not unboxing anything else without your help” Tsukishima sounds bored, but Yamaguchi can tell that there’s a small amount of annoyance, probably because Yamaguchi had been on the phone since they’d left the store.

“Sorry, I’ll catch you up later.” He promises Hinata with a whisper, “Coming Tsukki!”

Yamaguchi ungracefully stumbles through the door and into Tsukishima’s chest, knocking the air out of him as the blonde barely manages to cling to the door to prevent their fall.

“Careful” Tsukishima barely says before turning around, “I just finished with the kitchen.” 

A tiny little part of Yamaguchi wants to tell Tsukishima that they can organize later, that he rather just sit and play video games with the blonde. It's one of the few excuses he has to curl up next to him and lean on him. But he knows that’s not possible, and that Tsukishima had firmly insisted that his room would be the living room and that Yamaguchi would take the bedroom just so that little incidents like that wouldn't happen. 

The gap between them was literal.  
__

The first time they kissed was before Yamaguchi confessed, and it was just as awkward as Yamaguchi had imagined and more. Tsukishima had leaned in to give him a kiss, the taste of cheap beer on his tongue as he smashed their faces together, causing Yamaguchi’s lip to split, and blood to fill his mouth. He hadn’t cared, clinging to Tsukishima outside of the bar as if he’d never get another chance to kiss him again, to taste him, to press him against the side of the locale with his hands on Tsukishima’s collar. 

Years of his imagination recreating the moment had finally given him what he’d finally wanted. The blonde under his hands, and his lips against his, which he happily chased, sliding his tongue into Tsukishima’s mouth, hungrily tasting him over and over until he couldn’t breathe. His foot had even done the ridiculous little lift, perfecting the kiss.

He’d definitely been a little bit noisy, moaning happily as Kei groaned, wrapping his arms around Yamaguchi’s waist, holding him in tight as some passerby whistled at the two of them making out in the middle of the street. 

It had been endless. 

The moment had stretched on for an eternity, their breath mingling in the air in little gray puffs as they pulled back, with Tsukishima looking unphased, and Yamaguchi looking expectantly up at him, with the streetlights causing his eyes to sparkle. That was surely the moment when Tsukishima would confess, and Yamaguchi would say yes, and confess his love in return, and they'd end up together in their dorm room, tangled up on Tsukishima's star spattered sheets. 

Tsukishima had leaned in again, licking his lips once, parting them as he thought about his next words for a second, before looking away, a look of uncertainty flickering across his face. 

“That was interesting.”

The words hadn’t been what Yamaguchi had expected, and his fingers had twitched, sharply sobering up and becoming aware of the cool air. 

“Let’s go.”

Tsukishima had flagged down a taxi, busying himself with his phone as Yamaguchi had dumbly stared straight ahead, confusion filling him. What had gone wrong, and why had Kei acted like that. They’d barely had anything to drink, but the next few days had been worse for Yamaguchi since the blonde made no mention of the incident, or of the cut on Yamaguchi’s mouth.

That had been the first time he’d felt a crack grow between them, and unfortunately it had continued like that ever since.

__

 

“Alphabetical. I knew it.” Yamaguchi kneels next to Tsukishima, and the organized stack of DVDs as he dumps his books next to them, ready to add them to the shelf underneath.

“You’re a creature of habit. I bet you put the dishes away by color.” 

There’s a sharp intake of breath as Tsukishima thinks of how to retort, amused by how cheeky Yamaguchi is. “By material Yamaguchi. Only things with titles are alphabetical.” He’s become a little less prickly from when he was in High School, but he’s still Tsukishima to his core, except now his sarcasm goes over most people’s heads since nobody seems to appreciate fine wit. His customer service persona is especially amusing to see since Tsukishima takes the opportunity to make a jab at every single stupid question he gets at the cafe he works at, however maybe because he's _so_ attractive, he gets away with his little barbs. Yamaguchi finds the deadpan humor endearing, to say the least.

“The sheets better get put away by thread count.”

“Stupid..” Yamaguchi tries not to laugh too much, but he ends up on the floor anyway, staring up at the ceiling with the corners of his eyes wrinkled up. 

“Yamaguchi.”

Tsukishima’s face becomes unreadable as the blonde focuses on the DVD rack.

“Did you get a job.”

That stops Yamaguchi’s laughter right away, propping himself up as he chews on his lips, his eyes clouding over.

“Tsukishima. .I told you.. I’m working on a book right now.” His voice is tight, since he’s had this conversation with his mother, with his friends, and Kei was the only one holding out to say anything about it, but of course it’s expected since even a studio apartment is expensive in _this_ economy. 

_Being a writer isn’t exactly steady income Tadashi._ His mother hadn’t spared him any of her disappointment. _And you know what it’s like._ He’d definitely known what living pay check to pay check was like, and he had resented her insinuation that he was making a bad choice. It was _his_ choice to make.

“I know you are Tadashi. But it takes a minute to get something published.”

Kei’s voice had dropped down an octave, and Yamaguchi realized that he wasn’t asking because he didn’t think Yamaguchi would be unable to get it published. He was worried because rent would be due in a month. He was worried because they had to eat somehow, and Tsukishima was going to be a grad student with even more school bills.

His hand went to Yamaguchi’s thigh, giving it a squeeze. However slight, it was a reassuring gesture.

 

“I already read some of it.” Kei calmly added, an afterthought that short-circuited Yamaguchi's head. 

“What!” Yamaguchi bolted up, pushing Tsukishima back as he scrambled to stand up, clutching his hair in sudden panic. “Tsukki! Tsukki! You can’t read it yet! I’m barely on the first draft!”

Kei was smirking, his little shit eating grin wide on his face as Yamaguchi jumped around the apartment, throwing himself onto the sofa with a few suppressed screeches. "Not my fault you left your laptop open."

"Nooooo Kei! Why!"

“If you don't want me reading things then don't leave them next to me. Anyway, now that I’ve stroked your ego a little bit-”

“Tsukki you only said you read it!”

Yamaguchi glared from the couch, not even Tsukishima stroking something else would make up for the transgression. His writing was private, and he hated anyone looking at a draft.

“I only stopped reading because you came back early that day, but I want to know what happens next.”

“Tsukki!” His praise is worth more than anything in the world, and Yamaguchi is crimson from head to toe.

“Anyway find a little job, anything- just make sure we don’t get kicked out of here before you make it big.”

Yamaguchi gives a quick nod as Tsukishima walks over, watching him drag his finger along his legs just like he had to the television earlier that day. It might be his imagination, but Tsukishima takes his time moving his finger along the exposed skin through his ripped jeans, longer than necessary.

So maybe today isn’t the day to wish that he was an inanimate object, because the ghost of Tsukishima’s finger on his leg leaves Yamaguchi wired for the rest of the day, unpacking the rest of their things eagerly, with a grin on his face that nothing can dim.


	2. Our Dirty Laundry

Their routine becomes normalized after a few days, with Yamaguchi sitting at the kitchen counter during the day, submitting resumes and editing the draft of his novel, and Tsukishima heading to work and returning in the evenings. Yamaguchi packs him a lunch the first day, and it becomes a habit, waking up just a little bit earlier to make sure that Tsukishima has a nice hot cup of coffee waiting for him, and a bento filled with goodies for his lunch. His skills in the kitchen don’t go unnoticed by Tsukishima, and maybe that’s why he tries a little bit harder each day, looking at fun ideas on blogs to replicate.

It’s also unfortunately a way to mark Tsukishima, as much as Yamaguchi hates to admit it.

After all if Tsukishima is taking cute little lunches to work, that means someone is emotionally invested enough in him to prepare them.

Yamaguchi pours his heart into every one of them, meticulous to a fault, making sure none of the different foods touch with the dividers, and adding a sweet treat along, casually leaving it on the counter every morning as if he didn’t have to wake up an hour earlier than Tsukishima to prepare it.

Kei, on purpose or not, doesn’t acknowledge Yamaguchi’s extra work more than he would normally. He thanks him, always eating every bite and reviewing the lunch in the evening as if it were something at a restaurant. Yamaguchi never gets anything less than five stars.

Tsukishima in the mornings is something everyone should get a chance to see at least once in their life. By seven, he’s waking up, blearily glaring at the light filtering through the balcony doors, scowling as he fumbles with his glasses. He always presses the snooze button twice, and Yamaguchi knows that is what causes Kei to have to rush out the door, usually forgetting his work ID in the process so that Yamaguchi has to chase him down the hall, waving him down.

Their routine was similar in college, except their dorm room didn’t have a kitchen for Yamaguchi to prepare lunches in and Tsukishima definitely spent many more days going without breakfast or lunch.

That morning is the same, except Tsukishima’s alarm doesn’t ring at seven, and Yamaguchi shuffles over to the sofa bed, a mug of coffee at hand as he considers waking him up. 

Personally, he’s probably a deeper sleeper than Tsukishima, and not even an explosion would wake him up. Kei is a light sleeper, and he would have put his alarm on if he needed it. However, if he had no need to wake up, he’d certainly be annoyed for the rest of the day that he hadn’t been allowed to sleep in. 

Yamaguchi is torn, shuffling from one foot to the other, glancing at the time as the digital clock marks ten past seven. It’d be easier if he had a good reason to wake him up, or a more fun reason (which is impossible). As he kneels down next to the bed, reaching over to gently poke Tsukishima, he’s tempted to kiss his cheek. But he won’t. It’s a transgression he’s unwilling to make until Tsukishima vocalizes a desire for it once again.

____

He’d woken up in bed with Tsukishima, tangled up together a year after he’d confessed his feelings to him. Their night had been a blur of drinks and old friends, taking shots until Yamaguchi had blacked out, and blocked out all of his emotions, finally beginning to heal from the sting of his rejection. Tsukishima had looked even more handsome than usual, all snark and judgement as he’d downed his beers, watching Yamaguchi from across the room. It wasn’t just his imagination that night, Tsukishima’s eyes were _on_ him, analyzing every little interaction Yamaguchi made.

“He has to like you.” Hinata had said a little too loudly into Yamaguchi’s ear, cupping his hands around it as if that would help muffle his voice, “he’s stripping you naked with his eyes.” Yamaguchi had groaned, shaking his head, unable to enunciate anything coherently, although those golden eyes did seem to have the ability to see right through him.

Maybe he’d blacked out for a second, because when he’d opened his eyes again, Tsukishima had stood in front of him, saying something to Hinata that had made his yell, sloshing beer onto his shirt while Tsukishima hid his laughter behind his hand.

There was something else there that night on Tsukishima’s part, a flicker of annoyance at how Yamaguchi seemed to draw in everyone to him. It wasn’t his fault though, he was open to talking, and nice _enough_ and people took that as a sign of friendship. 

“Let’s get out of here.” Kei had pointed at the time, and Yamaguchi had agreed, laughing as someone popped a bottle of champagne open in front of them, spraying them with the alcohol as Tsukishima stood frozen, irritably shutting his eyes.

They’d definitely overstayed, and Tsukishima would turn into a pumpkin if they were there any longer.

Their ride back to the dorms had been a blur, and Tsukishima had helped him up to their room where they had both collapsed onto his bed, a mess of sweaty clothes and alcohol stained fabric. Any attempts to take off the clothing failed, with Yamaguchi only succeeding in kicking off one shoe, and Tsukishima throwing his glasses onto the nightstand.

Yamaguchi had passed out right after, snoring the night away until his dry mouth had woken him up at dawn. In the sunlit room, with the tendrils of sunlight drifting over Tsukishima’s face, Kei had looked peaceful, little particles of dust hanging around them as Yamaguchi had tried to fight through the haze of nausea to enjoy the view instead. He’d been happy enough to rest his chin on his chest, half aware that they were both turned on, and that it was most likely his fault since he was a clinger at night and since he’d somehow ended up right on top of Tsukishima.

As much as he’d wanted to, he’d resisted giving any extra wriggles, waiting patiently for Tsukishima to wake up, keeping his fingers busy tracing his skin. Only after Tsukishima had opened his eyes and focused on him, agreeing with a grunt that Yamaguchi could most definitely suck him off, did he do so.   
_____

“Tsukki-” Yamaguchi decides to wake him up once it’s a quarter past the hour, gently shaking his shoulder with his free hand, prepared for an annoyed Kei. 

“It’s already time for you to go.”

Tsukishima gives a groan, trying to bat Yamaguchi’s hand away, turning around trying to ignore him. 

“Tsukki!”

Yamaguchi yanks off the blankets in one final attempt to get him to wake up, causing Kei to give a loud yelp, bolting upright with a scowl.

“What the-”

He stops as he stares at his wristwatch, his brow furrowing right before his eyes widen, scrambling to get up, a string of curses trailing him to the restroom as he rushes to brush his teeth, with Yamaguchi clamoring behind, trying to grab some sort of clean laundry for him to change into.

“I’m so fucking late.”

Tsukishima slips on a shirt, tugging the jeans on that Yamaguchi hands him, half out the door before Yamaguchi can return with the rest of his things.

“I’m going to miss the bus- the fucking bus- If I miss that I miss the train-”

The door to the apartment is left wide open as Yamaguchi runs back for Tsukishima’s lunch and ID before jumping down the stairs two at a time, barely catching Tsukishima before he steps out onto the street, looking slightly disoriented.

“Just eat this as your breakfast- Okay?”

"Yeah- Yeah- Thanks for waking me up."

Tsukishima takes the lunch and coffee, thoughtlessly leaning in to press a kiss onto his friend’s cheek before he dashes off to the bus stop, looking a bit ridiculous with his windswept hair and wrinkled shirt.

He leaves Yamaguchi staring after him, his lips in a little frown with his fingers touching the spot on his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I'm enjoying writing this.. whatever this is..


	3. Our Problems

“Right there.”

Tsukishima’s voice was low and raspy in the mornings, but Yamaguchi had never tired of hearing it, not when Tsukishima sounded so needy and desperate, fisting his hair as he pulled him down onto his cock. 

Lazy morning or half drunken blow jobs were a repeated offense, with both of them not talking about it after the fact all through college. 

Yamaguchi always offered, and Tsukishima always said yes to it. 

Yes with a smirk, yes with a whine, yes, yes, yes, kissing Yamaguchi against their dorm room before they tumbled inside, desperately taking their clothes off before they fell onto the floor, or mattress, or their desk, too quick to start, and finishing much too fast. 

The times that were the worst, were during their short lived relationships, with _other_ people. There were always furtive glances, and a period of time where Tsukishima or Yamaguchi would not mention the other person even though they both knew they were dating someone. 

In retrospect, that was unhealthy, since Yamaguchi seethed with jealousy, sharp little barbed remarks bubbling over on occasion onto deaf ears. It was no better than how Tsukishima coped, making snide remarks about the other person’s intelligence, sometimes to their face, and usually the comments would go straight over their head much to Yamaguchi’s frustration. None of their relationships lasted long, and Yamaguchi would be the first to admit, that he’d never asked anyone else out, except for Kei the one time. However he never rejected anyone, not wanting to give them the same sting that he had felt. 

Pretending that they didn’t kiss, or touch, was second on the list of worst-emotions-ever, because Yamaguchi would be blindsided by a blank stare, wondering if he might have imagined their past indiscretions all on his own, caught up in some sort of perverse fantasy that Tsukishima wasn’t aware of. 

“What are you talking about?”

Tsukishima had said one day, when Yamaguchi had bitterly brought one of the incident’s up, his eyes showing no emotion as he’d walked by him.

“We’re late for class, come on.”  
_____  
Because of those memories, Yamaguchi is determined not to repeat that cycle post college, and the kiss, the insignificant, thoughtless kiss, haunts him. 

A blank word document stares at him all day, while he curls up on Tsukishima’s bed, doubting his decision to live with him. He receives a few rejection e-mails from different companies, something that does nothing to soothe his nerves since rejection is the last thing he wants to face that day. His novel doesn’t get done, neither do the chores or the laundry. 

In the moment it had been an easy decision to make, to live with his best friend once again after college. Neither of them had any current partners, and Tsukishima had asked, maybe knowing that Yamaguchi would say yes without the faintest stutter. Like with anything, it had been an offhand comment, but Tsukishima had stated that he refused to live back home when Akiteru was living there again, and that having an apartment alone _in this economy_ was ridiculous. 

Yamaguchi waits on the couch until Tsukishima is supposed to return from work, sitting patiently for the lock to click open. The only thing that accompanies him through the nine hours that he’s alone are Tsukishima’s blankets, his laptop, and the steady hum of the fan, marking the passage of time.

Tsukishima never stays late to work, and Yamaguchi tries not to worry too much as the minutes tick by, fretting next to the door once it’s an hour after he is meant to return. He paces, finally giving in and making dinner for them, even though he hadn’t wanted to. Making dinner was almost like conceding that what Tsukishima had done was normal, and that he wasn’t phased by it. So as not to obsess over the same thought any longer, Yamaguchi throws himself into making dinner, still wearing his pjs from the morning. 

“I never want to be late to work again.”

Yamaguchi is so caught up by his thoughts that the latch opening goes unnoticed, startling him right out of his slippers with a yelp when Tsukishima suddenly materializes behind him.

“Oh my god- You scared me.” He puts a hand up to his chest, heart racing as he swivels to look at Tsukishima, who frankly looks like crap, “You’re late.” Yamaguchi says accusingly before he can tone his voice down. It doesn’t go unnoticed. 

Tsukishima looks a little bit uncomfortable, scratching his head before pulling out a bag from behind his back with the oil stains seeping through it and the delicious smell of greasy fries filling up the kitchen. It’s a peace offering, probably, which meant that Tsukishima did realize that what he’d done had been inappropriate.

“I don’t get why people apparently like these so much.”  
Yamaguchi almost resists grinning, but he gives in, snatching the bag out of Tsukishima’s hand with a little ‘thanks’ before sitting down on a stool to dig in.

“If you want dinner, I made stir fry-” He motions to the pan that Tsukishima is already examining. Yamaguchi didn’t need to offer, Tsukishima would have taken it anyway, with or without an invitation. 

He considers letting the morning incident slide, the evening is suddenly too nice to murk up with unnecessary complaints, and the kiss doesn’t mean anything, not really, and..  
Yamaguchi shoves a few fries into his mouth, watching how Tsukishima tastes one of the vegetables with approval and serves himself up a plate, lounging next to Yamaguchi to eat in peace. 

Why bring something like that up. There’s no point, and it would just ruin dinner.

“Did you get yelled at for not having an ironed shirt?”

 

There’s an odd little grunt that Tsukishima produces, halfway between a laugh and a groan, a faint blush on his cheeks and ears.

“No… but you didn’t tell me my jeans were inside out.”

 

Little bits of potato end up all over the counter with Yamaguchi bursting out with laughter. He had definitely not caught that, and just the image of Tsukishima- crisp, clean cut Tsukishima- showing up to work with his jeans inside out makes him start to cry. 

Tsukishima is not amused, placing a hand on his face with a groan, his ears burning hot as he looks anywhere that is not Yamaguchi.

“Seriously Yamaguchi- how did you not see that?”

“You’re the one who didn’t set up an alarm _Kei.”_

Yamaguchi leans in close, grinning at him again, “set it up and then i won’t have to hand you your clothes like your mother.”

“Don’t tell her this happened.”

“I can’t promise that I will or won’t.”

"If you tell her, I'll tell your mom that you still sleep with a light on"

"Tsukki! That's just my laptop!"

They both continue their little exchange, with Yamaguchi forgetting about the kiss, and by the time he goes to sleep, he decides that it was an accident, and that it doesn’t matter if Tsukishima did or did not meant it.

If Tsukishima liked him, he would have told him. If the kiss had meant something, he would have told him as well. After all, Tsukishima always asked people out first, and placing too much weight on an impulsive action was childish. At 22, Yamaguchi knew better, and he quietly moved past that day, without another thought about it. As if to send him a sign that he was choosing to do the right thing, he receives an e-mail that night once he goes to sleep, telling him that his post about being a freelance editor has had a reply, and someone is trying to commission him to look at their work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which theres still no porn


	4. Our Date

The days after the incident become a blur, and before he knows it, Yamaguchi is wrapped up in trying to get steady freelance work.

After his first triumph, and a small celebration done with Tsukishima to cheer his first job as a college graduate, the pressure was on, with Yamaguchi trying to prove that he could somehow make money while simultaneously finishing his book and getting it published. His own room is a mess, a disarray of clothing and crumpled paper on the floor, while he tries to maintain the rest of the house in some semblance of order. The house mirrors his own mind, which seems to be drawing a blank as to what he should do to get his book published. Nothing would kill him more than getting a rejection notice for his book, which would just be the final straw. 

To his credit, Tsukishima says nothing, his eyes flickering to Yamaguchi’s anxious expression and to the half washed dishes in the sink while he makes snarky comments about the people that he works with. He’s the most stable thing in Yamaguchi’s life, and he clings to the routine of taking care of Tsukishima while he panics during the day as he struggles to get more work. 

Tsukishima is busy trying to make as much money as possible during his break, a wordless understanding coming between them as the reality of Yamaguchi not being able to help out as much as they’d hoped with the bills settles in. 

Getting a part time job is an admittance of failure, and Yamaguchi has never accepted failure without a fight. 

Late night practices had been a staple of his first year of high school, trying to compensate for the lack of natural talent that his fellow first years had. In college, the same thing had happened, with Tsukishima seeming to breeze through his classes with an ease that had left Yamaguchi bubbling with jealousy. He’d been proud of his friend, of course he had, but Tsukishima had always been able to make sense of things that Yamaguchi had to work for, and since he’d wanted to go to the same school as his friend, getting and maintaining good grades hadn’t been an option.

 

______  
Stress had always led to Yamaguchi making rash decisions, such as confessing his love in the middle of a quad at the school.

“I love you.” His outburst had interrupted Tsukishima mid sentence, the words falling heavy on both of them. After the little kissing debacle, something that had been blamed on one too many drinks, Yamaguchi had been anxious to confess, as if he had something to prove, as if getting a yes or no from Tsukishima would finally get rid of the crush he’d had on him for an eternity.

For once in his life, Tsukishima actually looked embarrassed, and uncomfortable, an odd look that Yamaguchi had never seen on his friend. His eyes had shifted to the sky, and that was when, in hindsight, Yamaguchi should have retreated, covering up his blunder with a change of topic.

Stupidly he hadn’t. He’d waited with baited breath, staring at Tsukishima, his expression full of hope, and freckled cheeks flushed hot as he’d shifted his book bag from one side to the other. 

They’d stood there, observing each other for a few minutes, with Tsukishima finally giving in, but still not saying a yes or a no. 

“Do you want.. To go on a date?” 

His voice had sounded dry, the sound of the rest of the students walking around them suddenly making Yamaguchi’s ears buzz. 

“Yes. Yes. I want to go on one.”

He’d been giddy, higher than the sky as he’d sat through his classes, thinking that things were meant to be. That his crush had finally, finally, returned the affection. Their date had already been set for that afternoon, with Tsukishima running his fingers through the little wefts on the top of his head, not looking at Yamaguchi.

It should have been an indicator of the evening, but Yamaguchi had ignored the signs.   
____

The date was a disaster.

______

“I give up.” Yamaguchi stood across the street of the local bookstore, his fists balling up as he held his resume in his hand. 

He was tasting defeat, and it was only bitter because he knew that everyone had already been telling him for weeks to get a job, and there he was, making the _best_ use of his degree. At least the freelance work hadn’t felt like giving in, it had been more of an excuse to scope out the competition, cheering himself on with every grammatical error he’d found in the other person’s document. 

This was all for Tsukishima, and for the sake of not having to move back home, or else Yamaguchi’s pride would have never allowed him to cross the threshold of the shop, smiling at the cashier as he’d asked for the manager, and then handed over his resume. 

It’s a slow walk back to the apartment. Yamaguchi takes the long way home, even pressing every button on the elevator so that the ride is just that much longer. The doors shudder open, and the few steps he takes to get to their front door fills him with shame. 

A failure.

A failure.

A failure.

Yamaguchi lays on his bed, staring at the home screen of his phone. A childhood picture of him, Tsukishima, and Akiteru lights up the screen. If only he were that age again. If only.

Exactly three hours pass before Yamaguchi forces himself to sit up, dragging his laptop to the kitchen and making himself a fresh cup of coffee. Frustration drives him to finish the book, to start editing, to read every single one of the pages that Tsukishima read before and make sure there are no errors before marking them off as done. He can’t stand to feel helpless for too long, and while he might have had to apply for a part time job, he can’t keep wallowing in his own self pity. 

The door opening goes unnoticed by him, so wrapped up in his headphones and story that he screams when Tsukishima touches his shoulder. 

“Tadashi.” Tsukishima laughs while Yamaguchi clutches at his chest, ripping the headphones off his head.

“Tsukki! You could have- fuck-” Yamaguchi hastily shut the laptop closed, hiding the edits from Tsukishima’s view. 

“Hey. I tried not being sneaky but you were a little distracted.”

He puts his hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder, giving him a tender squeeze before pulling out some groceries, treading over to the stove.

“I’ll make dinner, you finish up what you were doing. You look like you’re.. Close to finishing.”

“Not really.. But I think I know what I want to do now.”

He doesn’t tell Tsukishima that he applied to a part time job, and he steadily focuses again on his book, only stopping once Tsukishima interrupts him again to give him a plate of food.

They sit on the same side of the counter, the blonde giving his bland, daily report, while Yamaguchi nods and listens, stuffing his face with the steamed vegetables and rice that Tsukishima prepared. 

“I really want to read it when you’re done. Before you send it to get published.” 

“Why?”

Yamaguchi swallows the spoonful down with a cough, warily looking at his friend.

“I told you, I liked what you’d written.”

 

There’s a weird little look in Tsukishima’s eyes, as if he had been caught, but Yamaguchi can’t figure out what it is, or why he’s giving him that expression. 

“But what did you like about it?”

He protectively grabs his laptop and holds it close, as if Tsukishima has the ability to look through his files with the computer closed. 

“Well.”

The look is back, along with a little pout, with Tsukishima giving a huff as he’s cornered to confessing. 

“Well?”

Like any writer, Yamaguchi is eager to hear what is so good about what he’s writing, and needs to know Tsukishima’s honest thoughts.

“I didn’t know that you were writing a romance.” Tsukishima wrinkles his nose, the genre doesn’t align with his taste, which Yamaguchi already knew. 

“But I like the main characters. They’re very believable.” He’s vague in what he likes once again, and he looks back down at his own plate of food.   
“I’ve always liked your writing Yamaguchi.”

The compliment goes to his head, making Yamaguchi glow, smiling down at the table. He’s smug, especially because Tsukishima looks mortified at having admitted that.

Yamaguchi scoots over, opening up his laptop as he allows Tsukishima to read a few more pages of the book while they continue eating. The blonde rests his head on Yamaguchi’s shoulder, pointing out a few mistakes once he finds out that Yamaguchi is done writing the book and is revising it. 

The manuscript is sent out to a few publishing companies the next week, the same day that Yamaguchi receives a call back for an interview at the bookstore. There’s only a few more weeks before Tsukishima goes back to school and stops being able to work full time, and Yamaguchi rushes from the postal office to the interview, determined to get the position. His hair a little disheveled mess by the time he’s sitting down in the manager’s office, elaborating on his expertise in books, and his non existent abilities with a cash register. The stray hair at the top of his head wobbles from side to side as he enthusiastically comments on his favorite writers, and mentions his own aspirations.

By the end of the interview, Yamaguchi is told that he will receive a call back with their decision, but he feels fairly confident about how it went. He walks out in high spirits, completely different than when he’d left the previous week. Neither his mother or Tsukishima need to know that he might have a part time job. He arrives at his apartment, his smile fading as he notices that Tsukishima is back in the middle of the day. 

But there’s two pairs of shoes.

Yamaguchi feels a clench in his stomach, gripping his keys tightly in his hand as he looks down at them, giving himself a second to compose himself.

_____  
There were two pairs of shoes outside of their dorm room.

There were two pairs of shoes, and a sign that asked for Yamaguchi to return later. That Tsukishima would message him.

The hurt from being rejected the month before at their date was still fresh, but the slap in the face that Yamaguchi felt as he stared at the two pairs of shoes- at the two pairs of _mens_ shoes, was such a clear rejection that he’d run straight to the communal bathrooms, with Yamaguchi pressing his hands to his face, smothering a little cry. 

He’d spent almost a whole night there, ignoring the messages from Tsukishima telling him that he could return, asking him where he’d gone, as he’d furiously made himself an online dating profile. 

Yamaguchi had almost combed through Tsukishima’s social media to try and find who the other person in the room could have been, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it, not wanting to see what better looking person had won out his best friend’s affection. 

It was a whole year later when he’d found out it had just been Kageyama there to see Tsukishima, and by then the damage had been done, with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima casually dating people, and neither of them bringing up their failed date again. 

And life had gone on.  
_____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well as you can see things are just like.. messy. I'll write something happy for these two boys soon lol.


	5. Our Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Akiteru visits, Yamaguchi finds out who the shoes belong to, and Tsukishima decides to do whatever he wants.

“Tadashi! I hadn’t seen you in forever!” Akiteru throws his arm around him, smothering him in a hug that leaves Yamaguchi breathless, the wind knocked out of him as he laughs, noticing how uncomfortable Tsukishima stands in the corner of the room. 

“I know. A-akiteru.” Yamaguchi squeezes Akiteru tightly, wanting to cry in relief at his paranoia. Who else would Tsukishima have over in the middle of the day, but his overtly friendly brother. 

The hug lingers for a second too long, and Tsukishima curtly yanks Akiteru backward, away from Yamaguchi.

“Hey. Hey come on, stop that. You’re a grown man.” He scolds Akiteru, who doesn’t even bat an eye at Tsukishima’s reprimanding. While acting ridiculous, Yamaguchi knows that Akiteru is just as calculating as his brother. He is watching Yamaguchi, as if he can tell that he was relieved that it hadn’t been someone else, and Yamaguchi tries to act as normal as possible so that his inner turmoil isn’t exposed.

“You didn’t tell him I was visiting Kei? No wonder he’s surprised.” 

Leave it to Akiteru to tell that Yamaguchi had entered the apartment with a stiff smile. He was always too observant and involved in Kei’s life. It was never a bad thing- until Yamaguchi was trying to hide his feelings.

Now that he’d seen that it was Akiteru who was visiting, he headed to the kitchen, pulling on an apron to begin making dinner.

“I’m just happy you’re here, Tsukishima won’t let me send you messages because he says you start sending him the same memes over and over.” 

Akiteru pretended to be disappointed, exaggeratedly berating his brother while Yamaguchi laughed, chopping up vegetables for a stir fry.

Tsukishima groused a little, but his expression was relaxed. He seemed happy that his brother was visiting. At least until Akiteru decided to start asking questions.

They were sitting around the kitchen table, Akiteru had decided to bring beer, and after having a few cans, they were all feeling relaxed and full, still picking at their dinner.

“I don’t understand why you two aren’t sharing a room by now, what’s the point of Kei being in the living room Tadashi?”

The question takes them both by surprise, Kei’s glasses comically sliding down his nose as he leans forward, a clouded look crossing his expression before he pinches his brother. 

“Don’t ask weird questions.”

“It’s not a weird question!” 

Akiteru seems genuinely surprised that his probing was unwanted. Yamaguchi kept his relaxed smile on his face, although his fingers had tensed on his can of beer. 

“Are.. you asking that because Tsukishima is the one paying for the rent?” 

Akiteru shook his head instantly. 

“No of course not, I always assumed- Well not assumed- It’s not weird that he’s the one paying.” 

 

The babbling continued, and Yamaguchi almost didn’t notice Tsukishima turning paler as his brother said a little too many words. 

“Just when two people are dating they don’t usually have two different rooms.” Akiteru finished with a laugh, finishing his can of beer.

“We.. aren’t dating Akiteru.”

Yamaguchi felt his stomach dropping, a fake smile on his face as he laughed at the faux pa. 

“We are just living together because we have to.”

____

“Tadashi! You’ve grown so much since you were in high school, you’re as tall as Kei now!” 

Akiteru had always been friendly with both of them, and Yamaguchi had looked up to him almost as much as Tsukishima had. While they didn’t see each other as much as when they’d been in high school, Akiteru always made it seem like they’d just visited the previous week. The rare times that Yamaguchi saw him without Tsukishima were far and few, but he’d yearned for comfort after being rejected by Tsukishima, and Akiteru was someone he could trust. 

“I can’t believe you’re Kei’s boyfriend now.”

The comment had thrown Yamaguchi off, because he was certainly not Tsukishima’s boyfriend, and _he_ had not told Akiteru about his failed date or kiss with Kei. The only person who would have told Akiteru, would have been Kei himself. 

“I… I don’t know when you last spoke to Tsukishima, but we aren’t dating. I have someone else right now.” Yamaguchi picked at his nails, aware of how close Akiteru was, and how worried he seemed to be as he looked at him.

“Oh- oh Tadashi..”

Akiteru looked ready to cry, and Yamaguchi had to reassure him that he wasn’t upset about it (A Lie) and that he wasn’t affected by what had happened either (Another Lie).

At the moment he hadn’t had the heart to ask in what context Tsukishima might have brought it up, although the desire to know Kei’s thoughts on the matter were strong. He wanted to pry, and to know why Kei would have let things happen how they had, but if the truth was that he’d had pity for him, then he would rather die imagining that it had been because his feelings were reciprocated.   
_________

Akiteru fell asleep on the couch, sprawled across Tsukishima’s bed. Neither of them wanted to change, or to move from the table, completely lethargic from all the food and alcohol.

The evening hadn’t been ruined, Yamaguchi mused. It was a testament to how old they were that Akiteru’s comment had not affected either of them. 

“Tsukki, you want to know what happened today?”

Yamaguchi lay his head on the table, mimicking Tsukishima’s pose. 

“You mean apart from my brother coming to visit?”

“He’s not coming to live with us?”

“Never.”

“Ah.. Tsukki come on, let me keep him.”

“I rather move in with Hinata or Kageyama.”

Yamaguchi snickered. That was a lie and Kei knew it. Living with either one of them would probably end with a murder. 

“I have a job now. It’s not going to pay much but.. I think we should be fine for you to go back to school.”

His hand is laying on the table, and Kei surprises him by inching his hand towards his, their fingers barely brushing, making Yamaguchi giddy. He shouldn’t feel giddy, but he’s just as excited as a high school girl with her first crush.

“Thank you.”

They stay close together for several minutes. Yamaguchi makes a game of how close he can get to Tsukishima without actually touching him. The alcohol has relaxed him, and he coyly asks his question. 

“So why did Akiteru think we were dating.”

Tsukishima looks uncomfortably trapped, because they both know that Akiteru is the only other person he would ever really confide him. For his brother to say something of that magnitude means that _he’s_ said things to make him think that way. 

His expression would be amusing if Yamaguchi wasn’t feeling a flicker of hope inside. Maybe Tsukishima did like him, and he’d confided his feelings to Akiteru. It’s stupid to assume, and he waits instead with heavy anticipation, pressing his pinkie against Tsukishima’s. 

“I think because.. I’m living here, with you.” 

An answer could not have been more vague, and not-buzzed-Yamaguchi wouldn’t have pried, but he does so this time, hooking his pinkie around Tsukishima’s, pleased when his friend wraps his finger around his. 

“What’s special about me?”

 

They’re both staring at each other, ignoring Akiteru’s soft snores a few feet away. Tsukishima seems conflicted, as if answering the question honestly brings him great physical and emotional pain. In some ways it probably does.

“Everything.” 

Tsukishima tries to pull his hand away, but Yamaguchi firmly keeps it in place, his heart pounding from Tsukishima’s answer. _Everything._ It couldn’t even be considered an answer by some people, but to Yamaguchi, that can only mean that Tsukishima harbors some romantic feelings towards him.

Before he knows it, he’s standing up and leaning towards Tsukishima, silently asking for a kiss. He can feel Kei’s heart beat through his hand, just as fast as his as he presses his lips against Tsukishima’s.

It’s a bad decision. 

He knows it well, but he can’t help himself, too wound up from Tsukishima’s answer. 

They are both excited in the moment, since Tsukishima reaches up with his free hand, tangling his fingers through Yamaguchi’s hair, holding him in place as they kiss. 

It tastes like beer. 

Typical of them, always choosing to do this when they can have the excuse of alcohol. However, it’s their first time in the new apartment. 

It’s a mistake, a mistake that Yamaguchi would make again and again to feel Tsukishima’s lips against his, slightly chapped and warm, pressed against his in a comforting way. Nobody has ever kissed him like Tsukishima has. No one makes him melt like Tsukishima does, and no one knows to hold him tight like he does either, tugging him down onto his lap and possessively holding him close, a hand gripping his shirt, and the other holding onto his hair so hard that it brings a tear to Yamaguchi’s eye. 

 

Yamaguchi pulls back for air, eyes wide as he looks at Tsukishima’s expression. He likes him. He likes him so much his heart physically hurts sometimes, making him stay up, scrolling through their pictures as he tries to think of reasons not to want him. 

Moments like these, that he knows Tsukishima will play off as an anomaly are reasons to not like him, but he knows it won’t make a difference.

A particularly loud snore makes them both jolt, with Yamaguchi sliding off Tsukishima’s lap, grabbing the dishes and swiftly clearing off the table, muttering about it being late. 

“I need to.. Do some writing tonight, so..” 

“Wait.”

Tsukishima puts an arm around his waist, his lips hovering over Yamaguchi’s ear. 

“I need a place to sleep.”

Yamaguchi swallows thickly, shivering in his place as he turns his head, eyes half closed as he considers rejecting Tsukishima. 

But why _would_ he reject an invitation for the one thing that he wants.  
An opportunity is something he can’t give up.

“I think I can make room in my bed.” Yamaguchi barely squeaks it out, and he squirms against his friend, who can be a horrible tease. He’s probably doing it on purpose, pressing himself close, letting his lips linger against the sensitive parts of his neck. 

It’s probably one of their worst moments, stumbling to Yamaguchi’s room and shutting the door, a ball of dirty jokes, and need, with Yamaguchi being the first to strip his shirt off, straddling Tsukishima’s lap as an invitation for more. 

“Kiss me Tsukki.”

Yamaguchi leans in, his nose touching Kei’s as they stare at each other. 

“You have to earn it first.”

Tsukishima presses his thumb against Yamaguchi’s lips, parting them as he watches how Yamaguchi closes his eyes, sliding his tongue out to lick his finger. 

He earns a kiss, and he earns more, and he refuses to think of what the morning will bring once Tsukishima leaves his room and goes through his day as if nothing had ever transpired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be the longest chapter yet of this. As you can tell it's not my typical form of writing and I accidentally kept typing in the wrong tense so there might be some of those mistakes in here. I don't want to make any promises on how long this is but I'm thinking two more chapters.


End file.
